We End up With What?

Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it..

So what gives?

How is it that we teach, preach, talk prod and encourage our children and teens  to do the right thing. What do we get? We get behavior that is completely opposite of what we thought we were going to get.

We think we are instilling honesty, but what we find is that our children can look us straight in the eye and tell a lie that can possibly fool CIA agents. We have to hide our stuff from, not the criminal down the street, our children. We are afraid to take a good look behind the sweet smile they give. We may find that those aren’t their teeth in their mouth.

Today it’s almost a crime to look at your child and see the problem. It’s much more safer to look at the environment and blame the environment for our children’s problems. We know that “Pookie” is sweet. So it must be the daycare teacher, elementary school teacher, high school teacher, police, and whoever else gives us negative feedback. One thing is for certain, it isn’t our sweet, little “Pookie.”

Parenting children is like raising any other garden. We plant golden onions, but what sprouts is wild, willful onions: we plant turnip greens, we get a few of those, but mostly we get dandelion greens: we think we have planted a red, delicious apple tree, but what grows twice as fast, is a crabapple tree.

How is that?

We aren’t the only ones planting in our garden. We have this overbearing, omnipresent entity called society. Society constantly attempts to overthrow our attempts of parenting. Society with it’s over empowering, coddling,  parenting style, or it’s overbearing, rule bound strict parenting style, is always pushing it’s way into our lives. Dictating to us what we can/can’t do to, or with, our children. What we can/can’t say to our children. We are almost at a loss.

I see parents with grim looks on their faces, as their children make demands on them in public. We used to only see this behavior in smaller children. Today fourteen year olds, and older are in public scowling, throwing themselves against things, and rolling their eyes at their parents because their parents said “no”. It seems almost a formidable fight. It is easily  understood why some parents give in and give up on training children.

That’s a huge mistake!

Society frowns when we say in a firm voice, (maybe a bigger voice than we usually use): “Sit down, this is a grown up conversation, I didn’t ask you anything!” or whatever has to be said to restore the correct power distribution and order in the relationship. To not say it and mean it, can and often does lead to chaos. Chaos in the home and in society at large.

If our children don’t learn the correct order of things: to respect our authority first, and then those who we put over them; to follow rules, for their protection and everybody else’s. Without intending to, we will create adults with infantile abilities to tolerate society’s restrictions.

I whole heartedly recommend that we continue, the work, of pulling weeds from the garden of our children’s hearts. It is back breaking work, and the child’s/teen’s heart may not want to yield up the roots of these bad behaviors. It is much better to pluck out as many weeds as we can, as fast as we can,  so that we and our children can live in peace later.

Think about it this way. Society with all of it’s slackness, will not come and help pay for speeding tickets that our irresponsible young adults rack up. It will be us, the parents, who will make the hard choice. Either, we let them learn a hard lesson in that scary place called jail or come to their aid, and protect them from yet another natural consequence of their behavior.

What Do you think?

I Didn’t Know

Over and over we hear it, ” I never saw it coming, how did that happen.”

Family, friends and neighbors, all report that they didn’t know that their young family member, friend, or neighbor was capable of committing a mass shooting, rape, sale drugs, steal etc…

Why is that?

Is it that we are not able to see what’s coming, or is it that we are overlooking what is apparent? How is it that others see our child’s thuggish, criminal, and antisocial behaviors, but WE never notice the behaviors. Know one wants to believe that their little “pookie” could cause any harm to anyone. We don’t want to believe that our child could be the next mass murderer, rapist,… felon.

None of us have the ability to see the future, however I don’t believe that so many of us get no clue at all concerning what our teenagers are doing. No, I believe that we refuse to take a close look at what we are seeing. Sometimes we may not know exactly what we are looking at, but we know that a problem is amidst.

In this new parenting age, where everything the child does is cute, and parents are earning trophies for coddling children who are threatening to beat them. Some parents are afraid to acknowledge that their child strikes fear in their heart. These same parents will swear that they “can’t believe” that their child could ever bully anybody.

It doesn’t help our children if we overlook their: poor decision making skills, unkind hurtful treatment of others (especially those weaker than themselves), detached isolated behavior, interest in violence, and violent behavior.

A stray indicator that doesn’t lasts long, is one thing, but long term ongoing symptoms need to be addressed. It’s not okay for children (adults either) to talk about hating others, raping others, killing others, and whatever other thing they are thinking about doing even if they are angry. When we overlook these indicators we are looking at a time bomb!

We aren’t helpless in this situation. We can let our children know about our concerns, seek counseling, get in their space(don’t allow them to be isolated/alone), find something for them to do, and refuse to give up. We can physically touch them often and ask them questions about their lives. You may have to do something extreme, and move them into a whole new environment.

WAKE UP PARENTS!! TAKE OFF YOUR BLINDERS!! SEE THINGS AS THEY ARE!! STOP MAKING EXCUSEs, AND STOP EXCUSING AWAY POOR BEHAVIOR!!

What Do You Say to Teens

Check out this video.

What can be said about this policeman’s behavior at the pool party.

The police has forgotten that teens can be mouthy, impulsive, and argumentative. The police allowed himself to get lured into a power struggle, and he had  no exit strategy.

The police appeared to be looking for someone to fight with, argue with, or lord over.. He was only restrained by the many eyewitnesses that were watching, and at times, he seemed unaware of them.

The police was so caught up in controlling the teens, that  he pulled his gun on unarmed teenagers. Any person making a sudden move at that moment could have gotten shot. This incident could have ended more tragically than it did.

We may not like it, but it has to become a part of our job to teach our children to recognize when adults and situations are getting out of control. Especially situations, that involve police, with guns. We have to teach them how to interact with the police.

Their lives may depend on it.

I give every teenager permission to “wimp out” of situations that  may get out of control. To look away, and avoid the “stare down.” They can freely use the words, “yes sir”, and “no sir.” I encourage them to stay calm and make no sudden moves, including running.

With all of the recent press concerning police and their use of weapons against teens, it is in our best interest to spend sometime educating our teens, on de-escalating situations.

It can save their life.

Prodigal Children

We think overly entitled and overly empowered children are a scourge of today.

Not so.

Way back in biblical days a son told his father, that he wanted his inheritance, so that he could leave home, and find himself. His father gave him the money, the young man left home. After he squandered his father’s money he returned home broke.

So often we focus on the compassion of the father, but we completely overlook the behavior of the child. I don’t believe that the conversation about getting “his” inheritance was the first conversation that was had. I can only imagine the young man constantly complaining that he’s tired of doing chores. whining about how he can’t wait until he grows up, and he doesn’t think that all of these rules are necessary.

You know how they do. They become increasingly insubordinate until the parent actually tells them to get out. In this case, the father merely gave the son what he asked for.

That was the hard part.

The father knew that the son was going to suffer. He knew that there wasn’t going to be a happy ending to this sad story. He knew his son wasn’t going to be happy until he suffered as a result of his own choices.

In this day and age, we are doing everything we can to make sure that our children aren’t suffering in any way. We do everything in our power to ease and prevent children from suffering pain. Sooner or later our children will suffer the consequences of their behavior. If we allow our children to learn as they go along, (little children, little problems: big children, big problems), then the consequences won’t be so severe.

Most people think that the Father’s forgiveness towards the son was the hard part. Who wouldn’t be forgiving if their drug addicted child, went to rehab, completed a training program, became a model citizen, got married, participated in family gatherings, and helped the family financially.

No, the hard part. for the Father, was letting the Son go. He knew that His Son was going to suffer, and He had no control over the outcome of His Son’s decision.

What about you, would it be hardest for you to welcome him back, or letting him go?